Let’s welcome Ashley Palmer; she has been through it all and calls herself the queen of relapse. Can you relate to this title? Let’s see what advice and tips and knowledge she can give us.

The Beginning of Her Despair

You know what? We know that you endured a lot of blows in life. As I said, you were in the boxing ring of life. If you were to compare where you are today to where you were a few years ago, one would say you have experienced a transformation in your life. I was hoping you could share with us where you were when you were at the lowest of the low in your life when dealing with alcohol and cocaine.

When I think about Ashley three to five years ago, the first thing that I think about is just so much self-hatred. So much self-hatred. I hated myself, and I was so insecure that being in my own mind, in my own skin, was awful. I think that’s why I turned to drugs and alcohol so much because it was a way for me to get out of my own mind and numb out. When I was partying, I seemed to think I was funnier, prettier, cooler, and more connected with people. I don’t have a really low bottom, but I do have many bottoms. With some of those bottoms, I was just miserable.

I would call my family three to four times a week, crying, making up some nonsense about something silly. I would make mountains out of molehills, and I would take these things that were just little things in life. But because I was so emotionally unstable and I felt so broken. These little things would bother me so much, and I’d call my family all the time, just needy and unstable and emotional. I didn’t know how to deal with my emotions. I just freaked out all the time about everything. That’s why Monday to Friday, it would be white knuckle, get through the workweek. Then the weekend would come, and I would always end up partying. It turned near the end when I was at my lowest was it was no longer just a Friday night going out for some drinks, maybe dabbling in some drugs. I couldn’t drink. I couldn’t have one drink without seeing your dealer’s name at the bottom of your cup, automatically start craving drugs. Then that turned into a whole another story.

Then all of a sudden, it was like I started Friday night, and on Sunday afternoon, somehow, I had still been high and drunk, and I was supposed to go to work the next day. I was missing work on Mondays, trying to be sick. You can only be ill so many Mondays without people wondering. Right? I was lonely. I didn’t have any real connection with anyone. I didn’t have any real friends. I had fair-weather friends that wanted to party. I didn’t feel like I had a lot of connection with real friends. That’s because I chose to hang out with the wrong people. It got to the point where I couldn’t live my own life anymore because being in my head was more of an emotional rock bottom where I just hated my life and the way I was living.

How It All Began

I want to go back to maybe when you were in high school. What were those times like for you in high school and college as far as the drugs and alcohol were concerned?

I was a party girl. That’s when I started. I started drinking and partying in high school. I had gone into high school very insecure, but I ended up twitching as a kid. In hindsight, it’s been brought up in therapy that it might have been trauma because of my mom passing. So kids would make fun of me. I couldn’t control my own body. I would do embarrassing twitches, like stop and touch the ground or gulp in my throat or something. I was already insecure. I go into high school, and high school is hard enough to feel like you’re fading in.

I went through all the different groups in high school: the jocks, the bellies, the ravers, the nerds. I went through all the groups searching and just partying with all these different people. It just steadily got worse. It started with getting high on weed. Then it was like partying every weekend but with booze. I had a group of friends like, “Hey, you’re going to throw up at this party? Do this line of cocaine because it’s going to sober you up so you can keep drinking, and you’re not going to be sick.” Then that changed the whole game from that point on. I was about 16 at this point. I didn’t even want the liquor. I didn’t want the weed. I wanted to start drinking to go and find cocaine after.

How Weed Can Lead You Down The Wrong Path

I find that most people, when they graduate to more inducive drugs, that they started out by smoking weed. It’s usually around junior high or high school. Once you start smoking weed, you can start with the cocaine, the heroin, whatever the other drugs are of choice. It sounds like you were Known as the party girl in high school.

Yeah, I started with the weed, but I wouldn’t say I liked weed. And apparently, I wouldn’t say I like downers either. I never liked weed. It made me paranoid. I liked the beginning of drinking, but then I didn’t like the feeling because it’s a downer. It turns out I’m an upper person, as we can tell because I love caffeine, and I liked cocaine. It’s funny. I was smoking weed just because I didn’t want to be in my own skin and being high, even though I was uncomfortable, it was better than being sober.

What The Missing Piece Was, That Could Not Be Filled

Why do you think you were smoking the weed during cocaine and drinking? Were you looking for love in maybe all the wrong places or something? Was something missing out of your life that made you turn to those things?

100%. I mean, looking back now, I can easily say what I was missing was God. I always say that everyone has a God-shaped hole in their heart. When I found God, that was filled. But back then, I didn’t have God. Every one of us craves connection. I searched and grasped because of my insecurity and wanted to connect with people and feel like I belonged somewhere. I still am friends with some of the people from my past, but my picker was off. I would pick people to hang out with that I shouldn’t have hung out with. I was searching for something, and I didn’t know it then. But now, I can see I needed God.

Do you relate to Ashley at all? Finish Ashley’s story by watching the video above and find out how she overcame her constant relapses and trauma.

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